A UNIVERSE OF SELF EXPLORATION & EXPRESSION
A UNIVERSE OF SELF EXPLORATION & EXPRESSION
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2/24/25
Sometimes the darkness provides clarity,
letting you see the light that's further up the road
2/13/25
Bawling on the inside
I'm so used to it
It used to scare me
The depth of the ocean and the weight of the waves
But now I know they were never capable of causing me harm
Only the words do that
My waves are beautiful
Pale lavender mountains
Crashing into sunflower
All my molecules shake
But I don't burn
1/27/25
The streets and rooms are all so cold
The warmth of my tears undone
By the stinging of my face and heart
I grit my teeth and Shoulder the burden
Battle after bill after fear
The streets and rooms are so cold
And they all use the wrong words
And listen with one ear closed
Only I can save myself from drowning
By pushing all my air out
And I could go on
But you tell me it’s all in my head
And I shatter
Like used porcelain
And stain the streets and rooms
With tea so cold
1/2/25
I want to destroy, devour, and scorch the earth until there is no trace of its existence. That way no one can hurt me again. No one can make me feel insane and stupid. The feeling flows through me like rushing water, eroding the rocks of the riverbed. It's powerful. It's dangerous. I embrace it and jump into the cold. Knowing it'll lead me to tranquil shores eventually.
12/31/24
The pain grabs at my air, deepness like the blackest ocean floor. My screams only I can hear. And yet I know I am free. And yet I know it's real. And yet it feels like flying. What's the difference between altitude and depth if you can no longer see the world you've known? Wherever I find myself I want to savor the cold as much as the warmth.
12/30/24
How bittersweet the brief taste of joy and the perfect farewell. How quickly the cold and heavy turns to warm and gentle. It restores my faith in the universe. It restores my faith in myself. That overwhelming feeling of deep connection that brings the inner peace a glacier knows as a fresh snowfall thoroughly covers it. Have I been looking in all the wrong places? Or have I truly started down the unpaved road towards my dreams? Looking over the edge I hear her say, you’re beautiful, you’re amazing, you’re you! I smile and take my next steps.
12/07/24
The loneliness stings. I don’t feel like I’ve ever found my place among others in this world—not for very long anyway. The feeling of belonging is fleeting. I always return to the constant mild fear of upsetting others or the deafening silence of an isolated life. It’s hard not to write the story that somehow it's all my fault. But I’ll still do my best to try. And hold out a glimmer of hope that someday in the future, I can look back and see how wrong I was.
12/06/24
The day is finally here. My birthday and the relaunch of my new self. I honestly don’t think it’s ever possible to prepare oneself for whatever lies on the other side. And in some way that makes it easier. It was never going to feel perfect and so I am making it as perfect as it can be, albeit, it’s probably gonna be extremely messy. I take solace in the fact that fears in my mind are undoubtedly always way more tumultuous than anything that ever happens in real life; why should this be any exception? Here’s to birthdays, new beginnings, and whatever lies ahead!
11/30/24
I inhale and I taste frost. The silence burns. I don't want to be here again and I don't want to be here now. I always find myself here eventually. But the real me would look at this and think I was being dramatic or pretentious but this feels like the real me. The tears feel hot at first but become icy rivers and I tell myself to take another dive.
11/30/24
I feel sad and alone today. I’m starting over with a new name, and a new identity, with what seems like less than an adequate amount of preparation. In some ways, it’s nice not to have anything to lose. I get to build myself back up from here. And I don’t think my canvas has ever been as white as it is now. As with most creative endeavors I’ve undertaken, I have a vision but I’m not sure if I have the technique, determination, and will to bring it to life. And just like before, I’m sure the art will be something different entirely….except this time it’s me….except this time I’m going to be proud of it.